Oeuvre of Passionate Hands

"No, really, I’m OK to drive."
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I’m not used to these darts."
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

"I’ll get this one, next one is on you."
–Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven’t seen you around here for a long time."
–You stuck up little —–, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
–I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Lets get out of here."
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
–If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." (female)
–You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don’t feel well, lets go home." (male)
–I’m horny.

"I’ve had like 10 beers already."
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who’s got the next round?"
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)
–Get the f— out of the way.

 

End of Bar Translations

Now this is more like it. Mwahahahahahahaha!!!

Would you succeed in taking over the world? Yeah! All hail your new evil overlord! You managed to overlook the simple mistakes made by so many other amatuer evil doers, and now you control the world! Congratulation my liege! Mwahahahahah!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

 Dictionary of Musical Terms

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA : People singing when they should be talking.
RAP : People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it’s not the house next door.

Never thought I’d be an angry drunk. I always believed I was funny when im drunk!

You’re An Angry Drunk

Ever wake up with sore knuckles and a black eye? Thought so.

Moods Of A Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, she’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse;
but will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose;
she’ll kiss you one minute then turn up her nose.

She’ll win you in rage, enchant you in silk;
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad;
She’ll hate you like poison and love you like mad.

 

Got this from my girlfriend’s site. Its another one from Blogthings. No, I did not copy her answers and I am so sure that when she sees this she’d be surprised that we have the same result. Go try it! Its fun!

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don’t actively fight them. You’re just you. You don’t try to be what people expect you to be.

Got this from my sidebar quote and I love it!

Why are girls like pianos? When they’re not upright, they’re grand…

If you enjoy a little humor each day you can click here or check out the random music humor at my side bar for a bit more music related laughs.

Our Queer English Language

We’ll begin with box; the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
But the plural of mouse in not ever meese.
You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice,
But the plural of house is still never hice.
If the plural of man is always men
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
If a singular this is a plural these
Should the plural of kiss ever be keese?
We speak of a brother and also call brethren,
And though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

- Alice Hess Beveridge

One night I ran away

Got lost in the world

Stumbled

Cried

Ran after someone

Got wounded

Dreamt

Fell into puddles

And stood up again

 

Cool huh?! And it all happened in one night! 

I was surfing to find something that would lift my spirits up a bit but the only thing my eyes seemed  to focus on was this.
Like I said, it’s not a blond joke. Just a Blonde Medical Glossary.

 

Acute: Opposite of an ugly.
Adenoid: Domino’s Pizza character.
Advil: Used to hammer things on.
AIDS: Helpers or Assistants.
Anally Occurring yearly.
Aphrodisiac: An African disc jockey.
Artery: Study of fine paintings.
Aspirin: Having great ambitions.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
Benign: What you are after you be eight.
Blood: A type of Gang.
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.
Bruise: A six-pack.
Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.
Capsule: A space ship.
Catheter: String instruments.
Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Clitoris: A type of flower.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Condom: Apartment complex.
Congenital: Friendly.
Concussion: A prisoner’s sofa pillow.
Constipation: An important U.S. document.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Diaphragm: A drawing in geometry.
Diarrhea: Journal of daily events.
Dilate: To live long.
Dildo: Variety of sweet pickle.
Douche: Italian word for "12."
Enema: Not a friend.
Erection: When the Japanese vote.
Femur: Not a Male.
Fester: Quicker.
Fibula: Small lie.
Fracture: A number less than one.
Genital: Non-Jewish.
G.I. Series: Baseball series for soldiers.
Grippe: Suit case.
Hair: Rodent with long ears.
Hangnail: Coat hook.
Heart: Bow & Arrow target.
High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday.
Hospital: An unknown person ejecting saliva.
Immune: Congressional perk.
Impotent: Distinguished; well known.
Infection: Russians coming to the U.S.
Intense pain: Torture in a teepee.
Intestines: Beta version of forks.
Jaundice: To include in a group.
Jaw: A shark without as much teeth.
Joint: A location or place.
Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Laceration: Dainty material allotment.
Leper: A wild cat.
Lesbian: Person from the Middle East.
Lesion: A unit of Roman Army.
Loin: Not fat.
Lymph: A special Fairy.
Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives.
Major Operation: A job for the Major.
Malaria: Several shopping Stores.
Mammogram: A telegram to Mom.
Manic Depressive: A man pressed down to the floor.
Medical Staff: Doctor’s cane.
Medicare: A partial care.
Meningitis: Getting a Man.
Menstrual cycle: Bloody vehicle for men.
Menstruation: Male Model display.
Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.
Migraine: Not your wheat.
Minor Operation: Coal digging.
Miscarriage: Firing a Rifle and missing a target.
Morbid: Higher offer.
Mucus: Not quite in focus.
Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Organic: Musical.
Orgasm: Person who accompanies the church choir.
Outpatient: Person who has fainted.
Ovaries: French egg dish made with cheese.
Papsmear: Fatherhood
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Testicles: Sucking sacks found on an octopus.
Tibia: Country in North Africa.
Tumor: More than one.
Ultrasound: A loud noise.
Umbilical Cord: Part of a parachute.
Urine: Opposite of "You’re Out."
Vagina: Heart trouble.
Varicose: Near by.
Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other.
Vein: Conceited.
Weak: Seven days.
Zit: Dog Command.

 

Note: Please do not use this as referrence for any medical issue. Its just a blonde thing.  

It seem that most Filipinos indeed have a lot of time to kill and as impressive as we are in our chosen field (or atleast we claim to be), we still manage to come up with witless thoughts.

Odd as it may seem, these witless thoughts consume our time and we even consider these thoughts worth pondering. Here are some examples of these uncommon sense defying statements:

-When maggots die, do they get maggots too?

-Are soda’s allowed during coffee breaks?

-Why are blackboards green?

-If the poison expires, is it still poisonous? 

-Are questions answerable by yes or no considered easy questions? Try the following and then let me know (remember to answer yes or no only)

-Do you not take a bath?

-Thinking is not good for your health, right?

-Can difficult times not be skipped?

As a follow up on my previous post, I must emphasize that population explosion can only result to the following:

Meet the parents: 

 

 

Meet the child:

 

look like someone you know?

 

How about this:

Parents:

 

the child:

 

and again, the parents:

 

Nice!

Now meet the child:

 

We’re not being judgemental here, just trying to save the world from natural "funny faces".

 

One of the reasons why it is quite important to control our growing population.

The Parents 

 

the child

 

The Parents

 

the child

 

The Parents

 

the child

 

The Parents

 

the child

 

The Parents

 

the child

 

I had this previously posted on Magnificent rapture and I thought I’d share this with you all. I got this from one of my valued friends who steadily fill my email inbox. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story as I have!

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… ”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

“Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.